Why me? Why not me? In different situations in my life I would find myself asking one of the preceding questions. Why do they pick on me? Why am I not a cooler person? Why am I not invited? Why am I still single? I know that I am not the only person who asked at least one of these questions or one of the like.
Living in a very self-centred and self serving society, it is way too easy to create a habit of asking these types of questions daily. Why didn’t I get that promotion? Why did it have to be my car that broke down? With all of our ipads, iphones and ipods, it’s no wonder we are unknowingly sucked it our own little world where the main attraction is us. It is drilled into us just by the names of our everyday devices.
Now, I will admit that I am guilty of being sucked into my own little world. If I am listening to music or playing on my phone, in order to have a coherent conversation with me, you need to have my full attention before you start talking. I bet none of you are like that though, but you may have a friend like that.*wink*
But technology is not the only way we are self-centred. We can develope an attitude of entitlement. We believe that we deserve something, pray selfishly for it (yes there is such a thing) or try to obtain it in our own strength and then get disappointed when it doesn’t happen or we don’t get it. For many many years, ever since I was a young girl, I wanted to get married and raise a family. That was all that I wanted in life. Well, that and to become an actor. At the rate I’m going currently, becoming an actor is more likely.
Here is where the selfish prayer comes in. I prayed to get married because I wanted someone to hug me and tell me they loved me. Now don’t get me wrong, I grew up in a loving family and was often told how much I was loved, but there is just something about a man telling a woman that he loves her, that seems more magical. Must be all the fairytales and disney movies I watched. I wanted a fairytale romance.
I remember when I turned 18, I told my parents that if a guy were to ask me out, I would be ready to say yes. (just so we are clear, I hadn’t turned anyone down before this, no one had asked me out but this was my way of saying “come on God”) Well a week went by and nothing happened. I didn’t have guys lining outside my door waiting to confess their love for me. A month, and still nothing. Then a year passed and then 2 years. And then finally 5 and a half years! Why Me? Why do have to wait so long?
Without realising it, I had centred my life on finding a husband. As though that was the most important thing in the world. Not trusting God, I had come to resent that fact that I was still single and had started to complain about my current relationship status. I remember praying one night and saying, “I don’t know what you are doing. I don’t know what you have planned but I am not happy right now.” Then I started to list all the reasons why I thought I deserved to get married. As if I had any right to be telling God, the creator of all, how he should be doing his job.
I was wallowing in self pity. But God was not going to leave it that way. Shortly after this, two people spoke into my life and it completely changed my point of view. One was best friend. I was telling her how it wasn’t fair because all I wanted in life was to get married and raise a family. I wasn’t asking for much. It should be really simple. She replied with this simple yet wise statement that I will never forget, “You may want something simple, but maybe God wants something bigger for you” In getting so caught up with what I wanted for my life, I had lost sight of what God has in store for me.
Step one: refocus. I had to refocus my sights on the Lord.
The second person was a lady at church. While praying for me she said that there was something I needed to repent from. That God doesn’t give second best and where I am right now, is where He wants me.
Step two: repent.
I had spoken harshly to God out of selfishness and had been extremely discontented with where I was. The cool thing about God is that he doesn’t hold our mistakes against us. So once I had asked for forgiveness, He started afresh within me.
Now, instead of asking, “Why am I still single?” I ask, “What can I do for you because I am single?” And, “How do you want me to spend my time as a single person?”
I won’t lie, it has been a really tough journey. I still get the shadows of that feeling of loneliness, but because of what God is doing within me, I am so much happier. I have refocused my life to focus less on me and my problems and more on the God who is so much bigger.
This applicable in any situation no matter your walk of life. God cares. He has a plan. While it may look different than what we want or imagine, He will never disappoint.
I hope you will be encouraged through my story and may your journey shifting your focus onto God be a rewarding one.
Princess Warrior Maid